Savannah's Story
We are a family of 5, although the outside world only sees four. I am a new mom(again) even though my arms are empty.
On the morning of August 17th, 2020 I was almost 33 weeks pregnant with our daughter, Saylor, when I noticed she wasn’t moving like she normally did. I decide to go in to see my OBGYN just to check things out, even though I had been there a few days prior, and everything looked great. Because of covid restrictions, I went alone, and all alone on an ultrasound table, I got the worst news a mother could get. There is no heartbeat.
How could this be? Her nursery was already decorated with bright pink flamingos and monogrammed art. I already had a stash of matching outfits and bows for her and her sister. My 3 and 4 year old were anxiously awaiting their baby sister’s arrival with plans to help out with feeding her and playing peek-a-boo.
And just like that, our daughter would never be coming home.
What followed could only be described as the “worst case scenario”. After giving birth to Saylor, which was a heartbreaking, life-changing experience, my body started shutting down. I went into DIC, which is where your blood stops clotting, and my kidneys shut down. Statistically, most women don’t survive this kind of trauma.
After 6 units of blood and plasma, 10 days in the hospital, half of that time in the ICU, a dialysis port surgery, and countless tears, I was able to leave the hospital to continue my recovery at home. They wheeled me out with a small box of memories on my lap, instead of a swaddled baby.
Our lives are forever changed, but not all of it is bad. I have never felt more surrounded or loved in my lifetime than I did right after Saylor died. So many people, some we had never met, were lifting us up in prayer. The lyrics “it may feel like I’m surrounded, but I’m surrounded by you” felt so real. Our community, our church, the women of faithfully restored, were the hands and feet of Jesus that were surrounding us in our greatest time of need. Countless meals, toys for my kids, beautiful memorial gifts were dropped off at our door daily to remind me that we were loved. That my baby was loved. To this day, I’m not sure how we survived the first couple weeks, and all I can think is by the grace of God.
As Christians, sometimes we have this false sense of protection that nothing bad can happen to us because the Lord is with us, and that’s just not true. Bad things happen to good people all the time. I am not alone in that regard. But God most certainly DID promise to walk through the fire with us, and I have felt his presence, every step of the way.
I’m not sure what the future holds for our family as we grieve and grow and move forward while always carrying Saylor in our hearts and saying her name out loud, but I do know who goes with us, who goes before us. Who’s love is unfailing and who is near the broken-hearted. Jesus.